THE ROCKY ROAD
AUTOBIOGRAPHY BY "MR BOOGIE WOOGIE" ROCKIN DAVE
Published by BookBaby, ISBN: 978-1-4835857-6-5
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Preface
At the outset, I must say that I am not a novelist, I hardly even write letters these days, and I rarely reply to anonymous letters, so, for anyone picking out grammatical errors or omissions - tough! Go and find something useful to do. I do like the peculiarities of the English language, though. I've always been interested in languages, I appreciate the art and cunning of linguistics. In fact, I've often been called a cunning linguist.
I don't believe in politics, it doesn't matter who you vote for, the government always gets in. Guy Fawkes, in my view, was the only honest person to enter the Houses of Parliament, and look what happened to him. Why do you think the announcement on the London underground train states "A light for the Houses of Parliament", when the train comes to a stop at Westminster? It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. It also bears a striking resemblance to the first. Did you know, by the way, that it is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament? How unfortunate. It's a strange anomaly that Britain is governed by politicians in the Houses of Parliament, in a place where the Speaker of the House is not himself even allowed to speak.
Politics, as such, is not a bad career. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book, as did Prime Minister Tony 'Bliar' and many before him. It's a well known fact that the Prime Minister is committed to maintaining the status quo of the country in general and the Civil Service in particular. He is a master of obfuscation and manipulation, baffling his opponents with long-winded technical jargon and circumlocutions, strategically appointing allies to supposedly impartial boards, and setting up inter-departmental committees to smother his Ministers’ proposals in red tape. In my book, Govt is a four letter word, so I have never voted - except once for Screaming Lord Sutch of the Monster Raving Loony Party. But that's another story...
And what about the media in politics? Who reads the newspapers? Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by people who actually do run the country; Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; Financial Times is read by people who own the country; Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country, and Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is. And what about the Sun tabloid? Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.
Although I hear that reincarnation is making a comeback, I am not a religious person and, indeed, consider myself an atheist. Still, I do believe that I have abided by most of the Ten Commandments, except the one about coveting your neighbour's ox… Oh, and the one about love thy neighbour (as long as her husband doesn't find out). The only problem with being an atheist is when you are really thankful and have nobody to thank.
I’ve never stolen, knowing how much the government hates competition, but I am a person of many convictions. Don’t forget that the only way to make crime pay is to become a lawyer. After all, a lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns can, and lawyers are the only people for whom ignorance of the law is not punishable.
I have written this book slowly, for anyone out there who can't read fast. Also, I will be writing this novel, which will become my first unauthorised autobiography, on my PC, unlike the novel Tom Sawyer, which was the first novel ever to be written on a typewriter. Ok, I digress - why not, it's a free country, almost! I was determined that this book would be reality and not fiction. The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense. As for that, it is fair to say that income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction written today. When I decided that it is high time to put pen to paper, I quickly bought a computer. Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword had obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
Every word in this book I have compiled from memory, there was never anything written down over the years, not even a diary. I used to have a memory like an elephant - in fact, elephants would often consult me. Unfortunately, age eventually caught up with me. Getting older is unpleasant, but I guess it's better than the alternative. Finally you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Proofreading is the hard part, you have to proofread very carefully to check if you any words out. I don't read a lot of books, personally. I've not even read this one but, then again, I don't need to - I know how it ends. I've never bought a newspaper and peruse them very infrequently, then only out of boredom and for sheer entertainment. I'm definitely a self-confessed non-conformist and a firm believer in antiestablishmentarianism (if there are a few extra letters in there, sorry about that). Even as a kid, I would have an After Eight mint at 6 o'clock, just to rebel.
Then came rock & roll, which was my escalator to fame. In due course I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Consequently, I have always been opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. I wouldn't say that I am cynical but, if I smell flowers, I look around for a coffin.
After some 43 years of entertaining people and having had the pleasure of visiting all four corners of the globe in the process (can a globe have four corners?), I consider myself a citizen of the world. Alas, living on the Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. The wages of sin is death, and the wages for playing rock & roll are not much better. There have been many nice things said about my piano playing and song-writing, but I soon realised that flattery is just an insult in gift wrapping. I have seen it all and done it all, the problem is that I can’t remember most of it!
Nevertheless, I have always liked rock & roll, not just the music but the clothes, the people, the way of life and the cars. Where else would you find big imposing cars with massive finns (except at a Helsinki police station)? Rock & roll is not just a matter of life and death - it's more important than that. I remain very philosophical about it all, I started out with nothing in life and still got most of it left. Also, I learnt at a young age that you can’t have everything….where would you put it?
In the seedy world of rock & roll, whilst you certainly meet a lot of fascinating characters, remember that friends may come and go, but, as I have found out, enemies tend to accumulate. It's a fact that if you lend someone 20 quid and never see that person again, it was probably worth it! I can also say that there are worse places than prison - I should know because I've played them.
Having been involved in the music business since the early 1970s, I have throughout the years amassed a vast assortment of anecdotes and mareseydotes and little lamseydivey, in conjunction with amusing reminiscences of that period, and I now have the opportunity to pass on these memories in the following chapters. I planned to write this book many years ago, but just kept putting off the inevitable. After all, procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday, which is yet another way of saying don't put off today what you can avoid doing altogether the day after tomorrow. In any event, had I written this book several years ago, it wouldn't have been complete, and you wouldn't be reading these words now. In truth, without that little voice in your head, you wouldn't be able to read any of this at all. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
The Rocky Road is essentially the story of a rock & roll piano player, Rockin Dave, yours truly, the ups - but mainly downs - of a rocker's life. My life story is based on a true story, a collection of recollections. I consider myself, first and foremost, a piano player. A pianist, which is an archaic term for a keyboard player. My rocky road has many times become a cul-de-sac. I must confess that I was born at a very early age, only to soon discover that the road of life is indeed a rocky road, exceedingly so, just like any road that you might walk down. A road filled with pot holes that you can fall in, and uneven cracks that you can trip up on, and lots and lots of dog shit.
I remember, as a young boy, watching on TV teen idols such as Paul Anka and Bobby Vinton, wanting to follow in their footsteps. I soon became a teen, but was never idle, maybe that's where I went wrong. I recorded my first album in twenty minutes - the second one took even longer. I always dreamt of having one of those jobs where people ask: “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
I also remember, with warmth, how on dark and rainy days in England I would stand with my family around the piano located in the drawing room, wishing that someone could play it. So, I decided that I would learn to play - after all, it's the early bird that gets the worm, while the second mouse gets the cheese. I have never been backward at coming forward and have always had an ambition to write a book but, until I was born, my life was pretty boring. Practically everybody in London has half a mind to write a book… and they do. Everything works, in theory, as I found out.
This book will provide insights to concerns that you never knew you had. It will both shock and enlighten. Indeed, it will offend some individuals, especially those who are cronies of the state. You know what they say - birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
It isn’t what this book will cost that matters. It’s what it will cost you if you don’t read it. Rumours that profits derived from this publication are being donated to a raffle for the policeman's ball are entirely speculative. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely intentional, and any similarity to any person, either living or dead, is also definitely intended. Should any of the content found in this book be deemed or maybe even found to be offensive, indecent or otherwise objectionable… well, it means that you're just an old fuddy-duddy. As the old saying goes, if you can't take the heat, get a fan. I did, and some of them still buy my music. The same people also say that nothing is impossible; ok, try sneezing with your eyes open, or slamming a revolving door!
CAUTION
There is an enormous amount of challenging information in this book. Please do not continue if you are dependent on your present belief system, or if you feel that you cannot cope emotionally with what is really happening in this world. To all the judges, police, immigration officers and the Crown Prosecution Service, bailiffs, ladies in waiting, and ladies who have given up waiting, the events in this book never happened. For the rest of the world, this is the way it was. Only some of the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
This book contains elements of reverse psychology, please don't buy it. Nothing contained herein is plainly black and white, however I hope it will be read. So herewith, I present my offering in the form of this novel, and I sincerely hope that you will waste no time in reading it.
Rockin Dave