Philippines Drivers Hand Book
Roundabouts.
1. When approaching a roundabout aim in whichever direction you want to go and pray. It is essential you jam your bumper into any tiny gap and add as much additional confusion to the situation as possible while continually beeping the horn.
If God wants you to survive you will make it out the other side.
Overtaking.
2. Firstly ignore any oncoming traffic as it is your right to drive on the wrong side of the road once you have flashed your lights (if they work). Next swerve out quickly to ensure you surprise anyone arrogant enough to be trying to overtake you at the time. If this method fails due to too much oncoming traffic simply revert to overtaking on curb side.
Responsibility.
3. In these examples under normal conditions the blue car would most likely be responsible for the collision but there are special circumstances, if the person driving the green car happens to be a foreigner then unquestionably the responsibility relies entirely on the green car. If questioned as to how this could be possible simply reply "If you were not in my country I would not have crashed into you."
Jeepney Pickups.
5. Jeepneys are required to stop for excessive amounts of time and right across intersections to pick up customers as to not only block following traffic but also any vehicles coming from side streets. This is to maximize potential customers, it is also important to remain ignorant to any sense of urgency from the people already onboard. This will also give everyone the opportunity to marvel at your vehicles decorations.
Foreign Relations.
6. If you are in car B. and a foreigner is driving car A. this is the perfect opportunity to make some cash. Once car A. enters the intersection drive into it ensuring moderate damage to both vehicles. Once the driving exits his vehicle begin yelling about how badly damaged it is and quote him a repair price many times what is required. For the most profit aim for the expensive vehicles to maximize the potential quote.
Road Crossings.
7. In this situation the driver of the blue car should slow but not stop to ensure the pedestrian has an extra incentive to move quickly and as for the driver of the green car he should accelerate to get past the pedestrian and not get stuck in the same situation the blue car is in.
First Come First Served.
8. Giving way is a sign of weakness so at every possible chance ensure you make it through the intersection with aggressive driving. Additionally this will ensure you get to where you are going allowing for more time to be spent doing absolutely nothing.
Parking.
9. When parking we encourage creative thinking, treat it like a puzzle. Try to insert as many vehicles in an area as possible and if necessary mount the curb or park in an intersection.
Parking.
10. These lines were the only way we could convince foreigners it was safe to cross the road but feel free to park over them and ignore them completely when driving.
Driving Test.
11. In the Philippines we have discovered a way to streamline the process of getting a full license and everyone seems happy with the results. Really we can't see any down side to the new process.
Signs.
12. Originally these read "Local's parking only" and "No foreigner parking" but these were decided to be controversial and were replaced with the same effect.
Stop.
13. More of a recommendation than a rule.
Give Way.
14. Feel free to completely ignore this sign it is simply to confuse stupid foreigners.
Speed Hump.
15. Originally used to warn of approaching speed bumps but it was decided to discontinue its use after discovering the sheer volume required.
Lost.
16. If you see this sign on the side of the road you have clearly taken a wrong turn. (or you are approaching Wombats Womb - LOL)
Heavy vehicles Crossing.
17. Warning this area has frequent carabao traffic both crossing the road and as a mode of transportation. Be prepared to spend a great deal of time blocked by one while you pointlessly honk your horn.
Rest Area.
18. Keep your eyes out for this sign; they are a great location for family holidays and get-togethers. They are also good for new bamboo housing areas as CR’s and furniture are already supplied.
Road Work.
19. Road works ahead so begin slowing down now. As you get closer slow to an absolute crawl so you can get a better view of all the workers doing nothing. If the work is particularly interesting feel free to stop in the middle of the road and exit your vehicle for an optimal view.
Additional Driving Requirements
Cell Phones.
20. All drivers must be well trained in the art of texting on mobile phones while driving.
Seat Belts.
21 Seat belts should never be worn and if possible even removed.
Drink Driving.
22. Studies have found drunk drivers get to their location quicker. We recommend a bottle of red horse before driving to assist with traffic flow.
Over Loading.
23. To help keep traffic to a minimum we recommend putting as many people into one vehicle as possible. Roofs and bumpers are also another good location for stacking passengers.
Towing.
24. When towing another vehicle use an old piece of rope that is guaranteed to break and never add a ‘vehicle in tow’ sign so as to give your fellow motorist a pleasant surprise when overtaking.
Speeding.
25. Speed limits are determined by your paint job and muffler. The fancier your paint work and louder your exhaust the faster you can go.
Disclaimer
All preceding rules are pure speculation as no LTO officer could be found that had learned to drive or would agree to follow any set down rules.